The Seagull Syndrome
"It would be good to hear from you. You seem to want me to answer a question that you've not asked, or respond to a demand that you've not articulated. Forgive me for not understanding what you want and for provoking silence as a response. I've done my best to address your concerns by communicating, by accommodating your need to know, and by suggesting ways to move forward. What am I missing?"
These posts say things that can help move forward.
A family member who lives far away
who rarely is involved with day-to-day care
but visits occasionally to make demands or criticize the primary caregiver’s methods.
This goes back years.
Recently culminating in a visit without a visit.
The visit slowly became the problem. First because it was on your terms, then because your terms became completely unreasonable to others.
Untenable now.
Then don't visit.
The demands are too many and too large.
Love is unconditional but the visit had conditions. Where when how and how long.
We were the only ones that made visits difficult, you said.
But this goes back years. Think senior care.
The fly-ins and the flap-outs. Flap-outs with conditions.
Do this. Should have done that.
Why didn't you just do it yourself while you were here?
It must have been nice to flap out and conduct us from afar. It was not nice to be the ones left here that you thought had to be conducted.
We were here trying to keep all the plates spinning.
We succeeded despite all the seagull poop flying at us.
Here are the common signs of an email war:
Abuse of CC and "Reply All": The conflict is expanded by involving unnecessary people, or taking group emails and replying to people individually.
Rapid, Emotional Responses: Messages are sent quickly while the sender is angry.
Escalating Tone: The language becomes progressively more hostile, defensive, or accusatory.
Misinterpretations and Accusations: Public questioning, direct accusations, or misunderstandings are shared via email instead of being resolved through direct communication.
Pick Up the Phone: For complex or sensitive discussions, a phone conversation allows for tone to be heard, reducing the chances of misinterpretation.
"Wrong Name" Usage: Using the wrong name, or no name, especially when it was in the previous email, is often a deliberate sign of disrespect.
Just the argumentative tone.
Going back through the inbox to quote earlier emails.
Lack of emotion in emails makes you come across as bitchy. Superior. Can do no wrong. It's not me it's you.
You chose to abandon the e thread as you called it. It was too redacted. It was not clear. It was out of order.
Just deal with it. You're a smart person so show it.
Figure it out. Sometimes truth hurts but it's still truth.
Pull up your big girl bloomers and move on.
We'll all be better for it.
Gaslighting
Persistent Denial: The abuser outright denies they said or did something, even with proof.
Countering Memory: They challenge your recollection of events, often saying "that never happened"
Trivializing Feelings: They dismiss your emotions, telling you that you are "overreacting".
Distortion of Reality: They twist facts or the environment to make you doubt your mental stability.
Isolation: The abuser may alienate you from friends and family to make you more dependent on them.
"Oh you're here too??"
Well it was our grandchild's birthday, so why wouldn't we be?
Did you really think you would be the only guest?
Wedging yourself in and taking on a role that you didn't earn through blood sweat and tears is an unearned role. You didn't birth the kids, so stay on the outside. You didn't pay for their education. You got to do all the fun stuff. The Seagull Syndrome.
But that wasn't enough. From afar. "Liking" and "commenting" as soon as a picture is posted.
All this and arguing that you had every right. Telling us we had it all wrong. Gaslighting.
We can all enjoy the grandchildren. But they are ours not yours so let us come first.
We did not have it all wrong. It's hard to say it and hard to face up to what really happened.
Denying it and turning it around.
It must be you it can't be me.
Why can't you see it was actually you? Do we have to spell it out? Do we have to state the obvious? Then we become the problem in your eyes.
We've seen this movie before in another family branch. We told you about that.
We are making things harder and heavier, not easier and lighter like they used to be? Really?
On vacation, a political post got deleted.
Made another one. It got deleted.
Made another one. Is this really happening? On purpose? Yes it got deleted too.
Deleted you as a friend. 10 years ago.
Not on Facebook anymore. So delete away!
